Im Sorry
by shewhoshallwrite
Summary: "Sparrows mean freedom, in this world, and the next." How does one react, when the one person who was always there for you, but you belittled, was just, gone? Dedicated to anyone who has been treated insignificant by someone important to them.


Im Sorry

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Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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A/N: Another oneshot. This is for anyone, who has had someone important in their life leave them.

And if that person ever made you feel insignifigant.

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_The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain  
_

Life, why does it have to seem so fragile? It is almost as if, the one moment its finally in someone's hands. Sturdy, safe, valued. It flies away. As fleeting as a sparrow, one with fresh, new wings.

Sparrows mean freedom, in this world, and the next. Maybe thats why she always wore one around her neck.

I always thougth she simply wore it because it was pretty. But now that she is gone...

I started doing a lot of reading without her. My whole life became centered around life, death, and what happened to her.

She didnt deserve it. I know every time we fought, I may have wondered how much better my life would be without her. 

I was stupid to even think that. Now that I dont have her. My life is just in ruins. Its not much of a life anymore.

No matter how much I treated her like crap, she always was there. But it seems like I was never there for her.

Not even at the very end. The very end where she laid there shivering, sobbing, desperate for someone to love her.

That someone was me. And I never fulfilled that. I left her dangling there. Alone. Depressed.

I should have done something. But I didnt. And now the guilt flooded over me. Some people in life deserve what happens to them.

She didnt deserve to kill herself.

She deserved to kill me.

I shouldnt be here. She should. Her heart became weak. But it once was so strong.

I was a monster. Someone who seemed to go around causing peoples lives to fall apart. All because Im a self absorbed ass.

"Shane?"

I was in the fetal position in my old bed. The room smelled like her. I felt the bed shift.

"Shane come on."

I closed my eyes and played with the small sparrow on my neck. I had stolen her pillow also. I couldnt help myself. I needed them. I never really was ever this close to her. Ever.

She deserved so much better than me. I was all she had on this earth. I was all she cared about. It was just me and her. And I never cared.

And now, the one time I really needed her to try and hug me and comfort me, I wouldnt pull away. But I cant even pull away anymore. Ill never get that chance where I let her hold me.

"Shane, please, you said you would go."

I sighed. "Mitchie, please, just-just let me have a few minutes."

She sighed. "Okay Shane. Ill be back in five."

And she left me there. Cuddling into a empty pillow and clutching a tarnished sparrow.

I missed my mommy. And Ill never get to take back those mistakes I made. I never called her my mommy. I never let her hold me. I never thanked her for anything.

And I never apologized.

Until now.

Until the moment where she killed herself, where Im sitting here letting tears fall onto her pillow, a pillow that smells of oranges and cinnamon.

She was supposed to be buried with the sparrow. The precious sparrow she always wore. But I couldnt help myself. I just-I had to take it. It was something that helped me.

She left the man. Before a time I even knew. Obviously it must have been pretty bad.

Why else would she wear a sparrow? But only after she left. When I rummaged through her things, and saw all those old crumbling photos of her and me, there was no sparrow. But as the photos slowly became just her, as I pulled away from her, it was just her and the sparrow.

The lovely, broken sparrow.

But really, she wasnt free. I ruined that for her.

_Mommy, Im sorry. I never meant to lock you in another cage. Especially when you thought you had escaped. _

_You deserved to be happy. I didnt let you have that._

_Maybe you should have left me also. Im so sorry._

_I love you mommy._

And I always did.


End file.
